bus stop (found in notes app)

i wonder how many minutes i’ve spent standing at this bus stop
or even how many cigarettes i’ve smoked in this exact spot. 
how many butts i considered throwing on the ground but put in my pocket instead,
how many joints i’ve put out on the bottom of my shoe.
i wonder what the sluttiest outfit i’ve ever worn was,
how many times i’ve had lipstick on my teeth and licked it off. 
how many vapes died in my hands, how many vape hits i’ve stolen from someone else,
i wonder where the sun is in the sky when i can’t see it. i want to know the state of my lungs. 
i don’t think ill stop smoking until i know
whether theyre black and blue yet.
i wish i knew when i smelled bad
when you can tell when i didn’t brush my tongue
or when i forget to put on deodorant and douse myself in perfume.